Four Things More Dangerous Than Jeremy Corbyn
Written by: Violet Myers
David Cameron recently responded to Jeremy Corbyn’s rise to power as the leader of the Labour party with this tweet:
Poor Cameron seems to be losing sleep worrying about us and maybe we should listen up. Dave is a politician after all and wouldn’t use sweeping statements such as these to, I don’t know, install false fear in the common voters merely as some sort of scare tactic, I mean the man went to Eton for god’s sake! Perhaps he’s heard it on the House of Lord’s grapevine that Corbyn is the sort of house guest that would come over, depart early and then leave the ruddy gate open. Or maybe Jez is the kind of bloke to use ‘12345’ as his hotmail password, endangering our intimate information to cyber terrorists all over the world.If so, cheers for the heads up but as scary as that all sounds, we think Dave is getting a bit ahead of himself. He must be forgetting that us Brits are made of some pretty hard nails; we’re a country built on steel mines, football riots and jellied eels. There are some souls who even watch Ant and Dec for FUN, a common form of torture in other countries.
So we thought we’d compile a list of things EVEN more dangerous than Jeremy Corbyn and with the look of these horrors, Jez will just have to get to the back of the line of the countries’ worries.
They can jazz up a salad like nobody’s business. Spread one on a slice of sourdough and you’ll have hipsters queuing down the road for a slice of the action. What you might not know is that these creamy little bastards are shredding the hands of many an unprepared Brit, just innocently trying to whip up some guacamole. Their recent surge in popularity has given the lumpy fiends a new name: ‘The Most Dangerous Fruit in the Kitchen’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ for short. One slip of the knife and your hand modelling career is over. Eastenders actor James Bye managed to severe an artery an avocado ‘incident’ last year and the press has been rife with ‘When Fruit Turns Bad’ headings, warning of the dangers of avocado based tomfoolery.
Dave take note, this one is especially for you. Turns out household pigs don’t just make great sandwiches or lovers, they are also masters in the art of murder. We all remember Gary Oldman’s grisly demise in ‘Hannibal’ but apparently pig related death is not just an urban legend. In 2006 a Welsh farmer was mauled and bitten by his pig, while in 2007 a group of swine worked together to knock a farmer off his feet in order to attack him. You have been warned, the bacon bites back.
Double-decker buses have been the mortal enemy of drunks and the invariably clumsy since the dawn of time. But descending feebly down into the abyss of the bottom floor, gripping the non existent handrail as the driver flings the bus around Old Street roundabout, is enough to make even the strongest willed feel like Bambi on an ice-rink. So it’s no surprise that there have been endless cases of ‘stair-related injuries’ popping up all over the country.
To the horror of fathers everywhere twerking hit an all time high in popularity in recent years, making it the official mating dance of drunk white girls everywhere. But as well as bruising our respect for today’s youth, twerking has been the reported cause of many a popped knee, broken coccyx and even a snapped spinal chord, making the twerk the most deadly dance since the great okey-kokey massacre of ’99.
Got a supper club, guinea pig cafe, unicorn tears cocktail pop up? Stoke Newington wants it. Luckily a cafe close to Columbia Road has the space you’ve been looking for all along. Probably. Think exposed bricks, boutique lighting and tiled counters, like you’ve just stumbled off a long haul flight and ended up in a trendy Brooklyn coffee house.
“I’m on the veg… of reeeeason” Sang Lady Gaga, whilst cavorting around a staircase in shorts. The very same can be said of Kerb Street Food’s latest event organisers. The amount of quality vegetarian food stalls they’ve gathered together for us is teetering on the unreasonable. It’s not fair on our stomachs, nor on our eyes that are bigger than said stomachs.
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This family run restaurant has been sourcing the best of date night seafood the for the last twenty years, sourcing the finest and freshest fish from their very own fishmongers in Stoke Newington. But not only are they super sustainable, these guys are also super on trend with a signature lobster sub. So you can feel posh and down to earth all at once, stroke your beard then passionately get off with an avocado once you’ve finished cycling home on your fixie.
Have you ever sat in the pub with ol Vick and Charlie and whatsherchops and thought, I’d love to draw a nude right now? No? Well what about a neon nude? Yeeah, now you’re keen! Well luckily that tasty Duke of Wellington pub happens to have just the right set up for a life drawing class. Not to mention a fluorescent one. So that is exactly what they do now. Every other Monday Jylle leaves her superb gin and tonic pouring duties to host Neon Naked.
The last time I checked it was March 18th and I was watching someone drink green beer in a big hat and wondering whatever happened to Boxing Day. But someone has informed me that it is August and we need some kind of plan for the month because all logic has flown out the window and nobody knows what anything means anymore and I can’t remember if I had breakfast yesterday no but thanks for asking. Time for some live music to zone out to and tap along blankly while we gather our thoughts.
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If only there was a club night that could tap into that special pre night out time. Or at least play your taste in music, sometimes on repeat. Imagine! Lucky for you musical homebirds, bi-monthly club night Mammory Tapes intent to do just that at VFD in Stokey. All night long you can expect an all girl playlist and the best of your bedroom beats on the dance floor. So get ready to finally showcase your once unseen pyjama/half ready outfit based choreography.
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