Four Things More Dangerous Than Jeremy Corbyn

Written by: Violet Myers

David Cameron recently responded to Jeremy Corbyn’s rise to power as the leader of the Labour party with this tweet:

“The Labour Party is now a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family’s security.”

Poor Cameron seems to be losing sleep worrying about us and maybe we should listen up. Dave is a politician after all and wouldn’t use sweeping statements such as these to, I don’t know, install false fear in the common voters merely as some sort of scare tactic, I mean the man went to Eton for god’s sake! Perhaps he’s heard it on the House of Lord’s grapevine that Corbyn is the sort of house guest that would come over, depart early and then leave the ruddy gate open. Or maybe Jez is the kind of bloke to use ‘12345’ as his hotmail password, endangering our intimate information to cyber terrorists all over the world.If so, cheers for the heads up but as scary as that all sounds, we think Dave is getting a bit ahead of himself. He must be forgetting that us Brits are made of some pretty hard nails; we’re a country built on steel mines, football riots and jellied eels. There are some souls who even watch Ant and Dec for FUN, a common form of torture in other countries.

So we thought we’d compile a list of things EVEN more dangerous than Jeremy Corbyn and with the look of these horrors, Jez will just have to get to the back of the line of the countries’ worries.

Avocados
They can jazz up a salad like nobody’s business. Spread one on a slice of sourdough and you’ll have hipsters queuing down the road for a slice of the action. What you might not know is that these creamy little bastards are shredding the hands of many an unprepared Brit, just innocently trying to whip up some guacamole. Their recent surge in popularity has given the lumpy fiends a new name: ‘The Most Dangerous Fruit in the Kitchen’ or ‘The Widow Maker’ for short. One slip of the knife and your hand modelling career is over. Eastenders actor James Bye managed to severe an artery an avocado ‘incident’ last year and the press has been rife with ‘When Fruit Turns Bad’ headings, warning of the dangers of avocado based tomfoolery.

Pigs
Dave take note, this one is especially for you. Turns out household pigs don’t just make great sandwiches or lovers, they are also masters in the art of murder. We all remember Gary Oldman’s grisly demise in ‘Hannibal’ but apparently pig related death is not just an urban legend. In 2006 a Welsh farmer was mauled and bitten by his pig, while in 2007 a group of swine worked together to knock a farmer off his feet in order to attack him. You have been warned, the bacon bites back.

Bus Stairways
Double-decker buses have been the mortal enemy of drunks and the invariably clumsy since the dawn of time. But descending feebly down into the abyss of the bottom floor, gripping the non existent handrail as the driver flings the bus around Old Street roundabout, is enough to make even the strongest willed feel like Bambi on an ice-rink. So it’s no surprise that there have been endless cases of ‘stair-related injuries’ popping up all over the country.

Twerking

To the horror of fathers everywhere twerking hit an all time high in popularity in recent years, making it the official mating dance of drunk white girls everywhere. But as well as bruising our respect for today’s youth, twerking has been the reported cause of many a popped knee, broken coccyx and even a snapped spinal chord, making the twerk the most deadly dance since the great okey-kokey massacre of ’99.

 

Thumbnail photo: Vito Fun
Header photo: David Holt London (CC BY-SA)
Top photo: 70023venus2009

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