Mayoral Elections 2016: Select Your Player

Written by: Violet Myers

Ready Player One.

As Boris Johnson comes to the end of his reign of terror, which fighter will you select for the upcoming London mayoral election?

Who has the skills to thwart the terrors of rising travel prices? The strength to fight against London City Airport and the power to HADOUKEN the Garden Bridge?

Player select! Choose wisely…


Let’s not bugger up so badly this time.

Fighter Name: Sadiq Khan

Team: Labour

Better Known As: Mr Freeze

Special Skills: Is the second Pakistani MP ever to be in parliament and, as the former Campaign Manager to Ed Miliband, shocked everyone when he managed to secure Ed’s win against his brother in 2010.

Strengths: Has promised to freeze all London travel prices for four years and has promised to get ‘first dibs’ (actual words) on houses for Londoners.

Weaknesses: His travel plans have been called unrealistic and radical, he’s also been accused of throwing leader Corbyn ‘under the bus’ after publically criticising Corbyn for not singing the national anthem and for calling militant groups Hamas and Hezbollah ‘friends’.

Greatest Foe: Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. Khan has not been shy of sharing his distaste for his party leader, accusing Corbyn of being unfit to be Prime Minister and even went as far to suggest he is anti-semitic. He has said he will continue to criticise Corbyn if he does not act in London’s best interests.

Best Shade Thrown: His team released a mocked up CV for rival Zach Goldsmith stating: “He was left money by his daddy, he’s never had a job other than the one given to him by his uncle, so what qualifications has he got to do anything?” Can we get a nurse to take Mr Goldsmith to the burn ward please?

Fighter Name: Caroline Pidgeon

Team: Liberal Democrats

Better Known As: Bus Buster

Special Skills: Has been a London Assembly member for eight years as part of The People’s Assembly, an elected 25 member assembly responsible for holding Mayors accountable. As a result she considers herself the most qualified for the job, but then again so do all the other candidates.

Strengths: Has big ideas when it comes to public transport, including introducing cheaper tube and train fares before 7.30am and a one hour bus ticket, which enables passengers to go on two or more different buses within an hour time frame for the same price.

Weaknesses: After a hard few years for the Lib Dems, Pidgeon is fighting some pretty low predictions, scraping in a mere 2% of opinion polls.

Greatest Foe: The Garden Bridge, she has said she would like to stop it and feels TFL should pull their funding for the project.

Best Shade Thrown: Gleefully remarked that the aforementioned Garden Bridge (you know, the one she apposes), which is already in production, “May end up being a garden pier.” Watch out Lumley, those be fighting words.

Fighter Name: Sian Berry

Team: Green

Better Known As: Mother Nature

Special Skills: Ran for Mayor as the Green elective in 2008, where she gained the highest placing ever for a Green candidate. She’s also the first place candidate to join the new London Assembly.

Strengths: Has unveiled a plan to close London City Airport and develop it into new houses and business outlets, plans to hike up the congestion charge and tax workplace parking spaces all in the name of reducing air pollution.

Weaknesses: Zac Goldsmith has suggested Berry’s ideas to shut London City Airport are unrealistic and short sighted, while Berry herself has suggested her private transport fee hikes may frustrate Londoners, but insists “no pain, no gain”.

Greatest Foe: The 4×4 vehicle. Berry is the founder of ‘The Alliance Against Urban 4x4s’ a national campaign to stop the vehicles taking over cities, yummy mummies hide your Land Rover, Berry’s gonna get ‘em!

Best Shade Thrown: Has accused Zac Goldmsith of “not being the environmentalist he’s been billed as in this campaign”. Oh the shade of it all!

Fighter Name: George Galloway

Team: Respect

Better Known As: The world’s worst Boy George impersonator

Special Skills: Has had quite the life. Not only is the 61 year old the leader of the Respect Party, he was also the youngest ever chairman of the Scottish Labour party back in 1981 and had a rather unfortunate time on Celebrity Big Brother, where he was convinced to act like a cat on national television.

Strengths: Has made the housing crisis the most important aspect of his campaign, intending to seize houses that have been left empty for over three years without proper excuse.

Weaknesses: Has had a career rife with scandal, from seeming to publicly congratulate Saddam Hussein, to being denied entry to Canada due to his work with Palestinian charities and even being expelled from the Labour party in 2003.

Greatest Foe: Disagreements seem to follow Galloway around, but it’s the 35 year feud with former Foreign Secretary Sir Malcolm Rifkind that really takes the biscuit. The fight started when Rifkind blocked Galloway’s decision to twin a town in Dundee with one in Palestine and ended with Galloway mocking Rifkind’s resignation on Twitter.

Best Shade Thrown: Has called his rival Zac Goldsmith a ‘toff’ and Sadiq Khan a ‘very boring man’. Looks like Galloway’s back to being a cat… Meow!

Fighter Name: Zach Goldsmith

Team: Conservative

Better Known As: Richie Rich

Special skills: Is one the wealthiest MPs in Parliament, having inherited £200 million from his Dad. He and his wife also won Vanity Fair’s best dressed couple award, well it’s about time a London Mayor didn’t look like they were dressed by their mother.

Strengths: A life long love of nature and conservation, so much so his report to raise taxes on short haul flights and high polluting vehicles was deemed ‘anti-conservative’.

Weaknesses: Has been accused of being too close to the betting industry after two hefty donations to his campaign from large gambling companies.He’s also been accused of ‘racially profiling’ voters after sending campaign material targeted at Gujarati Hindu and Punjabi Sikh voters.

Greatest Foe: Channel 4 presenter Jon Snow, the two clashed during a live TV interview over Goldsmith’s expenses claims, resulting in an exceptionally awkward public cat fight that would make Lindsay Lohan blush.

Best Shade Thrown: Called rival Khan ‘a serial under-achiever’ oooOOOOH!



Photos: Creative Comms + Surrey County Council

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