Top 4: 'Too-dirty-to-clean-my-act-up' Burgers

Written by: Violet Myers

The humble burger; a modern marvel or an overpriced sandwich? So good when it’s right, so easy to get wrong.

We’ve taken all of the guess work out of finding a lovely local chomper, taking into account size, buns, extras and whether it’s possible to get your mouth around it and your lover on the same night.

As a wise fat man once said, as he was wheeled into the emergency room for the 5th time that year…

‘Life is too short to eat bad burgers’.

 

Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Autograf’s Cheeseburger:

Grilled beef burger in a crispy bun, onion, pickle, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup.

Jaw-hingability: This has got to a be a nine on the richter scale. It looks like it’ll never fit, but with a little bit of force and some self belief, it goes in. We’ve all been there right?

Eat it on a date?: This double decker brute is a feat of engineering, it also oozes at every opportunity, causing a whole host of sauce related problems. This is a fart smelling, tracksuit wearing, committed couple burger.

Buns like…: Nigella Lawson, soft, pillowy with a cheeky grill-line tramp stamp.

Notable extras: For no extra charge, take note every other burger place in the world, a generous mugful of crispy fries and deliciously mysterious pink sauce, what makes it pink? Who cares? We fancy bathing in the stuff.

Calories of a…: Half marathon, thirteen miles of delicious.

Autograf Grill
, 499 Green Lanes, London N4 1AL

 

Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Monkey Nut’s All Day Brunch Burger:

6oz hamburger, fried egg, cheese, maple roasted bacon, shoestring fries & chipotle ketchup.

Jaw-hingability: A sizeable chomp that requires boa constrictor style focus. Give it a squeeze and get it in, who knew all this burger business would get so romantic?

Eat it on a date?: With a chirpy little runny egg perched on top, this burger has a few possible leaks lying in wait. Not one to bring out for an early love interest, better make sure you’ve met their mum, had an argument about grocery shopping or have ceased shaving your legs first.

Buns like…: Channing Tatum, firm, tanned and not even it’s best feature.

Notable extras: It’s a burger miracle; a pile of the crispiest chips North London has ever seen join this smashing burger, as well some cheeky shoestring fries hiding under the bun, it’s a carb on carb love affair!

Calories of a…: Triathalon. Swim, cycle and run your way into this meaty marvel.

Monkey Nuts
, 2 Park Rd, London N8 8TD

 

Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Oven and Hearth’s Smoked Brisket Burger:

Smoked chuck patty, kimchi pickle, spirachi mayo.

Jaw-hingability: A comparatively neat little bun to the monsters who exceeded it, but still merits a strain.

Eat it on a date?: This is one filthy burger, packed with a whole host of escaping chargrilled juices, a dating nightmare. Save this delicious mess for your 25th wedding anniversary. Best to avoid looking like you’ve been licking a miner in front of someone who still might have sex with you.

Buns like…: J-Lo, round, perfectly formed and standing the test of time.

Notable extras: The chips may be missing in action, but a whole garden of veggies are stuffed under the hood of this generous bap.

Calories of a…: An hour of kickboxing, without a single regret.

121 Stroud Green Rd, London N4 4BL

 

Kitchen 149’s Cheese Burger:

Beef patty, 149 sauce, lettuce, gherkin, red onion, tomato & brioche bun.

Jaw-hingability: The everest of the jaw, 12 cm dilated and counting.

Eat it on a date?: Delete Tinder, put on something elasticated and have some messy alone time with this legendary beast, it requires your full attention

Buns like…: Michael Fassbender, pert, subtle and sweeter than Honey Booboo’s blood sugar.

Notable extras: A lonesome sarnie that comes with no extras, however, for the mere price of a tube ticket you can experience the mighty truffle fry, a dish we suspect God herself eats on a hangover.

Calories of a…: A cold mid-winter Tough Mudder. Hell, we don’t care we’d do it twice if it means we get more truffle fries.

149 Hornsey Rd, London N7 6DU

 

 

Photos by:

Mike Ashdown and Michael Barry

North Four, North London magazine, bullish, camden peoples theatre, show, theatre, festival, come as you are
Culture

Beyond The Binary: Come As You Are Festival

Whilst progressive thinking about gender has become more and more mainstream recently, there is still far to go. Traditional gender constructs are yet to be broken down fully and there will likely always be resistance to the movement. Which is why it is so important to celebrate and promote events like Camden People’s Theatre, Come As You Are Festival: a celebration of non binary existence like no other.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, bimber distillery, barrels, alcohol, rum, gin, vodka, whisky, tour, behind the scenes, tasting session
Eat & Drink

Local Portrait: Andrew Rummer of Sipping Liquor

Andrew Rummer is someone you want on your side when you’re choosing your new poison. You also want him on your side when finding where to source that beverage. He is the brains behind Sipping Liquor: a craft spirits club that delivers carefully chosen spirits to your door on a monthly or bi-monthly basis.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, pop up space, stoke newington, hire, north london, bar, food, restaurant
Lifestyle

Listen Up Pop Ups, Stokey Space Wants You

Got a supper club, guinea pig cafe, unicorn tears cocktail pop up? Stoke Newington wants it. Luckily a cafe close to Columbia Road has the space you’ve been looking for all along. Probably. Think exposed bricks, boutique lighting and tiled counters, like you’ve just stumbled off a long haul flight and ended up in a trendy Brooklyn coffee house.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, kerb food, street food collective, kings cross, granary square, food festival, foodies, vegan
Eat & Drink

Great British Veg Off: Vegan Street Food Battle

“I’m on the veg… of reeeeason” Sang Lady Gaga, whilst cavorting around a staircase in shorts. The very same can be said of Kerb Street Food’s latest event organisers. The amount of quality vegetarian food stalls they’ve gathered together for us is teetering on the unreasonable. It’s not fair on our stomachs, nor on our eyes that are bigger than said stomachs.

Read More...
Stroud Green, Tavia Davies, Bike, Cycling, North London, Davies & Davies Estate Agents
Lifestyle

Love Local: Stroud Green on Film

What’s it really like to live in North London gem Stroud Green? This short film gives you a glimpse into local life. See if you can spot yourself on Stroud Green's streets; walking your dog, buying bananas from the fruit and veg shop, cheering to a bad joke over a pint outside The Worlds End...

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, stoke newington town hall, hackney council, maintenance, budget, proposed changes, refurbishments
Lifestyle

Have Your Say: What Would You Do With Stoke Newington Town Hall?

Ever walked past Stokey Town Hall and thought, oh the things I’d do with that space. What would you do exactly, if you had the chance to take over? It’s a question we’ve often asked ourselves. Well now Hackney Council are finally asking us. Residents and business owners in the surrounding areas are being consulted on their draft proposals.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, Telemachy, Camden Fringe, play, theatre
Lifestyle

Beyond The Binary: Steps Toward Gender Neutrality

Sadiq Khan’s decision to change London underground announcements from ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ to gender neutral greetings might have seemed like an obvious, positive step in the right direction. Unfortunately the news was met with some resistance and negativity. Some saw it as an attack against gender, deeming it ‘pathetic’, unnecessary and even ‘demeaning’. Presumably that affectionate term, Snowflake was also bandied around for good measure.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, tube, underground, travel, underground, mind the gap, commute, lifestyle article
Lifestyle

Small Toon Girl: The Pissy Commute

I'd had a bad day, so I thought reading the Slimming World magazine while eating a family-sized bag of crisps would help. This was the day I realised London was ridiculous. And it had rubbed off on me. I started out the day wet. Wet in my cute summer dress with a raincoat on top. It was July, pissing it down. But hot, very hot.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, london queer fashion show, hackney, fashion, showhouse, fashion designers
Culture Lifestyle

Beyond The Binary: London Queer Fashion Show

Beyond The Binary is our mini series breaking down gender norms and exploring queer theory through events and interviews. We're kicking things off with an explosion of fashion, identity and expression. This September it’s London Queer Fashion Show. LQFS showcases the greatest new talent from people who know that ‘gender exists beyond the binary’, that clothing doesn't take male or female forms.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, espresso martini, espressotini festival, coffee, caffeinated, bar, cocktail
Eat & Drink Events

It’s The ‘No More Sleepy Fun Sponge” Espressotini Festival

Did you know, the recipe is a relatively new invention? Back in the 80s, a soon-to-be infamous supermodel (sorry but it was blats Naomi Campbell) walked into a bar feeling sleepy and sober and in need of a pick me up. Asking notorious and rakish bartender, Dick Bradsell for something that would “wake me up and fuck me up”, she watched him crack his fingers and deftly shake up the tasty Espressotini we all know and regret ordering today when we look at our bank statements the next morning.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, sutton and sons, fishmonger, fish and chips, islington, essex road, food review, fishery, lobster, crayfish
Eat & Drink

Posh Nosh: Date Night at Sutton and Sons

This family run restaurant has been sourcing the best of date night seafood the for the last twenty years, sourcing the finest and freshest fish from their very own fishmongers in Stoke Newington. But not only are they super sustainable, these guys are also super on trend with a signature lobster sub. So you can feel posh and down to earth all at once, stroke your beard then passionately get off with an avocado once you’ve finished cycling home on your fixie.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, life drawing, neon, fluorescent, ultra violet, paint, art, class, duke of wellington
Culture Lifestyle

Neon Naked: Ultra Violet Life Drawing

Have you ever sat in the pub with ol Vick and Charlie and whatsherchops and thought, I’d love to draw a nude right now? No? Well what about a neon nude? Yeeah, now you’re keen! Well luckily that tasty Duke of Wellington pub happens to have just the right set up for a life drawing class. Not to mention a fluorescent one. So that is exactly what they do now. Every other Monday Jylle leaves her superb gin and tonic pouring duties to host Neon Naked.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, the finsbury, live music, festival, performance, august, marshall amp
Events List

Top Six “Have You Heard Them Live Though” Music Nights

The last time I checked it was March 18th and I was watching someone drink green beer in a big hat and wondering whatever happened to Boxing Day. But someone has informed me that it is August and we need some kind of plan for the month because all logic has flown out the window and nobody knows what anything means anymore and I can’t remember if I had breakfast yesterday no but thanks for asking. Time for some live music to zone out to and tap along blankly while we gather our thoughts.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, mally harpaz, hazel iris, piano, live music, cello, violin, percussion, band, the waiting room, stoke newington
Culture

Haunting Melodies and Soundscapes at The Waiting Room

Haunting melodies, rich ambience and devilish lyrics: indie folk singer Hazel Iris comes to Stokey all the way from California. Joining her is musician Mally Harpaz on accordion, cello, guitar and even percussion to create a pretty special double bill of musical awesomeness together.

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, stoke newington, walking tour, history, guided tour, event, to do, streets, shops
Lifestyle

Small Toon Girl: London, Where All The Jobs Are

I’m Emmie, I'm 24 and from Newcastle. J'adore le foot. Ou est les piscine? I moved to London 6 months ago because 'it's where all the jobs are'. The above new-life-motto was a graffiti tag I saw in my first few days of London life. Capital R and all. I certainly followed through when, that night, I went to a gig and nipped to the loo... Sitting on the uncomfortably warm seat I looked up to see a club night poster advertising: '4 Jägerbombs for £20!'

Read More...
North Four, North London magazine, mint gun club, aperitifs, cocktail bar, teahouse, stoke newington
Eat & Drink

Mint Gun Club: Exciting Little Gimlets in Stokey

Who’s Richard Hunt and what are exciting little gimlets when they’re at home? Take a walk down Stoke Newington High Street this month and you’ll find out. An intriguing new cocktail bar and teahouse has opened, calling itself The Mint Gun Club and offering up a three fold menu of teas, cocktails and pantry style food.

Read More...