Top 4: 'Too-dirty-to-clean-my-act-up' Burgers
Written by: Violet Myers
The humble burger; a modern marvel or an overpriced sandwich? So good when it’s right, so easy to get wrong.
We’ve taken all of the guess work out of finding a lovely local chomper, taking into account size, buns, extras and whether it’s possible to get your mouth around it and your lover on the same night.
As a wise fat man once said, as he was wheeled into the emergency room for the 5th time that year…
‘Life is too short to eat bad burgers’.
Grilled beef burger in a crispy bun, onion, pickle, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup.
Jaw-hingability: This has got to a be a nine on the richter scale. It looks like it’ll never fit, but with a little bit of force and some self belief, it goes in. We’ve all been there right?
Eat it on a date?: This double decker brute is a feat of engineering, it also oozes at every opportunity, causing a whole host of sauce related problems. This is a fart smelling, tracksuit wearing, committed couple burger.
Buns like…: Nigella Lawson, soft, pillowy with a cheeky grill-line tramp stamp.
Notable extras: For no extra charge, take note every other burger place in the world, a generous mugful of crispy fries and deliciously mysterious pink sauce, what makes it pink? Who cares? We fancy bathing in the stuff.
Calories of a…: Half marathon, thirteen miles of delicious.
Autograf Grill , 499 Green Lanes, London N4 1AL
Monkey Nut’s All Day Brunch Burger:
6oz hamburger, fried egg, cheese, maple roasted bacon, shoestring fries & chipotle ketchup.
Jaw-hingability: A sizeable chomp that requires boa constrictor style focus. Give it a squeeze and get it in, who knew all this burger business would get so romantic?
Eat it on a date?: With a chirpy little runny egg perched on top, this burger has a few possible leaks lying in wait. Not one to bring out for an early love interest, better make sure you’ve met their mum, had an argument about grocery shopping or have ceased shaving your legs first.
Buns like…: Channing Tatum, firm, tanned and not even it’s best feature.
Notable extras: It’s a burger miracle; a pile of the crispiest chips North London has ever seen join this smashing burger, as well some cheeky shoestring fries hiding under the bun, it’s a carb on carb love affair!
Calories of a…: Triathalon. Swim, cycle and run your way into this meaty marvel.
Monkey Nuts , 2 Park Rd, London N8 8TD
Oven and Hearth’s Smoked Brisket Burger:
Smoked chuck patty, kimchi pickle, spirachi mayo.
Jaw-hingability: A comparatively neat little bun to the monsters who exceeded it, but still merits a strain.
Eat it on a date?: This is one filthy burger, packed with a whole host of escaping chargrilled juices, a dating nightmare. Save this delicious mess for your 25th wedding anniversary. Best to avoid looking like you’ve been licking a miner in front of someone who still might have sex with you.
Buns like…: J-Lo, round, perfectly formed and standing the test of time.
Notable extras: The chips may be missing in action, but a whole garden of veggies are stuffed under the hood of this generous bap.
Calories of a…: An hour of kickboxing, without a single regret.
121 Stroud Green Rd, London N4 4BL
Kitchen 149’s Cheese Burger:
Beef patty, 149 sauce, lettuce, gherkin, red onion, tomato & brioche bun.
Jaw-hingability: The everest of the jaw, 12 cm dilated and counting.
Eat it on a date?: Delete Tinder, put on something elasticated and have some messy alone time with this legendary beast, it requires your full attention
Buns like…: Michael Fassbender, pert, subtle and sweeter than Honey Booboo’s blood sugar.
Notable extras: A lonesome sarnie that comes with no extras, however, for the mere price of a tube ticket you can experience the mighty truffle fry, a dish we suspect God herself eats on a hangover.
Calories of a…: A cold mid-winter Tough Mudder. Hell, we don’t care we’d do it twice if it means we get more truffle fries.
149 Hornsey Rd, London N7 6DU
Mike Ashdown and Michael Barry
By gum there are a lot of winter markets this year. Fueled by sickly sweet mulled wine and overpriced pulled pork sliders, we’ve managed to wade our way through the murky waters of winter markets and find some decent looking ones round this here part of town. Don’t let our Grinch-esq vibes put you off (I’m more of a Pancake Day person myself) because, if you’re into markets, you’ll probably like these. Read on, if you’re merrier than us.
Take a short walk along Finsbury Park’s own sunset strip and you’ll find MoseyHome, an interiors retailer and styling consultancy who have invited us to collaborate with them on an exciting new series titled 'Style My Shop', in which they invite some of London's most talented interiors experts to quite literally style their shop. Interiors porn at it's finest.
Why was the snowman sad? Because he had a meltdown. Much like us, every year, when winter comes. It’s cold, it’s dark, and we know Christmas is on its way. But hey, it’s not all bad – the events round this time of year can be pretty swell. So don your scarf-shawl-blanket and get your frolic on, it’s time for fairy lights, scarfing mulled wine and stuffing your face!
Touch, taste, smell, hear and create art. Smith & Sinclair, purveyors of the Edible Cocktail, presents The Flavour Gallery: a multi-sensory adventure that’ll seduce your senses and tickle your taste buds beyond all imagination. Ooh matron!
Brush the cobwebs off your sexy banana costume; it’s that time of year to make a tit of yourself in fancy dress again. We’ve rounded up the most spine-chilling Halloween happenings in North London and, trust us, they sound horrendous. Be afraid, be very afraid.
God bless the Queen... of Hoxton. Or, more specifically, their rooftop - which happens to be one of our favourites in this here city of London. These guys are well known for creating beautiful, seasonal pop-ups which have included the Nordic Viking themed 'Skye Halla' and the Neverland inspired 'Bangarang'. This winter make way for 'The Moroccan Medina', a sky high hideaway inspired by the romanticism of the beguiling ancient city of Marrakesh.
Next time you need a caffeine hit why not take it from a cup brewed from Jamaican beans grown under a canopy of rainforest-preserving trees, whilst eating a home made vegan banana bread as you sit among an array of sweetly scented blooms. Welcome to Mento, Finsbury Park.
Pilgrim, the newest kid to Hackney's pop-up scene, is a unique dining experience inspired by the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage. This six course tasting menu includes regional dishes with a contemporary twist not yet seen before in London.
Recent times have seen an unnerving surge in right-wing politics. President Trump’s campaign to ‘make America great again’ saw him make the audacious promise to ‘build a wall’. France saw the uneasy ascent of Marine Le Pen’s National Front in its general elections and Germany’s AfD, (the first openly nationalist party in almost six decades) celebrated an unprecedented third place victory in its recent elections.
Summer is officially over. We're not sure it ever began in the first place. I guess that's one of the few downsides of living in London (other than crippling debt, tube strikes and Boris Johnson), but I digress... Magic Roundabout Old Street is raising the bar for winter, transforming the site into a tented, heated, 'Decades' inspired wonderland.
Guess who’s back, back again. Fat Macy’s back, tell a friend. No, really. Tell everyone about it. Fat Macy's supper club came back into our lives and this time around they had their Middle Eastern Feast on at the cute as a button Luminary Bakery in Stoke Newington, with a menu inspired by Ottolenghi and the #CookForSyria campaign.
Getting shouted at by a burly prison guard with a buzz cut and an offensively loud American accent isn't usually the way one wishes to begin one's night. Nevertheless, as I clamber into a very large (cheers guys) orange jumpsuit, the guard shoves a bottle of Conkers Gin wrapped in a thin towel (no fluffy Egyptian cotton here lads), into my now somewhat clammy hands. Whispering hastily at me to not get caught by the warden I'm ushered off in single file into the depths of Alcotraz.
If you haven’t heard the news yet, the world’s first black bookshop is back. Yes, after months of campaigning for funding and volunteers, New Beacon Books has reopened after threat of closure with a brand new refurb to boot. Established in 1966 by John La Rose and Sarah White, New Beacon Books is the UKs longest running independent bookshop specialising in African-Caribbean literature, cards and artwork.
London cocktail week is upon us. To be honest I can think of nothing worse than strapping on a wristband, carrying around a guidebook and queuing up for something that just needs to be brought to my sorry, tired old lips immediately. Apparently this year however, Drink Up London have released an app that eliminates all of the above nonsense. Get your ticket, download the app and get enjoying your £6 cocktails all week long. Just remember to flash your digital pass to the bartender first.