Top 4: 'Too-dirty-to-clean-my-act-up' Burgers

Written by: Violet Myers

The humble burger; a modern marvel or an overpriced sandwich? So good when it’s right, so easy to get wrong.

We’ve taken all of the guess work out of finding a lovely local chomper, taking into account size, buns, extras and whether it’s possible to get your mouth around it and your lover on the same night.

As a wise fat man once said, as he was wheeled into the emergency room for the 5th time that year…

‘Life is too short to eat bad burgers’.


Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Autograf’s Cheeseburger:

Grilled beef burger in a crispy bun, onion, pickle, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup.

Jaw-hingability: This has got to a be a nine on the richter scale. It looks like it’ll never fit, but with a little bit of force and some self belief, it goes in. We’ve all been there right?

Eat it on a date?: This double decker brute is a feat of engineering, it also oozes at every opportunity, causing a whole host of sauce related problems. This is a fart smelling, tracksuit wearing, committed couple burger.

Buns like…: Nigella Lawson, soft, pillowy with a cheeky grill-line tramp stamp.

Notable extras: For no extra charge, take note every other burger place in the world, a generous mugful of crispy fries and deliciously mysterious pink sauce, what makes it pink? Who cares? We fancy bathing in the stuff.

Calories of a…: Half marathon, thirteen miles of delicious.

Autograf Grill
, 499 Green Lanes, London N4 1AL


Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Monkey Nut’s All Day Brunch Burger:

6oz hamburger, fried egg, cheese, maple roasted bacon, shoestring fries & chipotle ketchup.

Jaw-hingability: A sizeable chomp that requires boa constrictor style focus. Give it a squeeze and get it in, who knew all this burger business would get so romantic?

Eat it on a date?: With a chirpy little runny egg perched on top, this burger has a few possible leaks lying in wait. Not one to bring out for an early love interest, better make sure you’ve met their mum, had an argument about grocery shopping or have ceased shaving your legs first.

Buns like…: Channing Tatum, firm, tanned and not even it’s best feature.

Notable extras: It’s a burger miracle; a pile of the crispiest chips North London has ever seen join this smashing burger, as well some cheeky shoestring fries hiding under the bun, it’s a carb on carb love affair!

Calories of a…: Triathalon. Swim, cycle and run your way into this meaty marvel.

Monkey Nuts
, 2 Park Rd, London N8 8TD


Top four burgers in Inner North London. Burgers, North London, Finsbury Park, Stroud Green, Highbury, Holloway, Crouch End, Eating Out, Street Food.

Oven and Hearth’s Smoked Brisket Burger:

Smoked chuck patty, kimchi pickle, spirachi mayo.

Jaw-hingability: A comparatively neat little bun to the monsters who exceeded it, but still merits a strain.

Eat it on a date?: This is one filthy burger, packed with a whole host of escaping chargrilled juices, a dating nightmare. Save this delicious mess for your 25th wedding anniversary. Best to avoid looking like you’ve been licking a miner in front of someone who still might have sex with you.

Buns like…: J-Lo, round, perfectly formed and standing the test of time.

Notable extras: The chips may be missing in action, but a whole garden of veggies are stuffed under the hood of this generous bap.

Calories of a…: An hour of kickboxing, without a single regret.

121 Stroud Green Rd, London N4 4BL


Kitchen 149’s Cheese Burger:

Beef patty, 149 sauce, lettuce, gherkin, red onion, tomato & brioche bun.

Jaw-hingability: The everest of the jaw, 12 cm dilated and counting.

Eat it on a date?: Delete Tinder, put on something elasticated and have some messy alone time with this legendary beast, it requires your full attention

Buns like…: Michael Fassbender, pert, subtle and sweeter than Honey Booboo’s blood sugar.

Notable extras: A lonesome sarnie that comes with no extras, however, for the mere price of a tube ticket you can experience the mighty truffle fry, a dish we suspect God herself eats on a hangover.

Calories of a…: A cold mid-winter Tough Mudder. Hell, we don’t care we’d do it twice if it means we get more truffle fries.

149 Hornsey Rd, London N7 6DU



Photos by:

Mike Ashdown and Michael Barry

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