Top 4: 'Too-dirty-to-clean-my-act-up' Burgers
Written by: Violet Myers
The humble burger; a modern marvel or an overpriced sandwich? So good when it’s right, so easy to get wrong.
We’ve taken all of the guess work out of finding a lovely local chomper, taking into account size, buns, extras and whether it’s possible to get your mouth around it and your lover on the same night.
As a wise fat man once said, as he was wheeled into the emergency room for the 5th time that year…
‘Life is too short to eat bad burgers’.
Grilled beef burger in a crispy bun, onion, pickle, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup.
Jaw-hingability: This has got to a be a nine on the richter scale. It looks like it’ll never fit, but with a little bit of force and some self belief, it goes in. We’ve all been there right?
Eat it on a date?: This double decker brute is a feat of engineering, it also oozes at every opportunity, causing a whole host of sauce related problems. This is a fart smelling, tracksuit wearing, committed couple burger.
Buns like…: Nigella Lawson, soft, pillowy with a cheeky grill-line tramp stamp.
Notable extras: For no extra charge, take note every other burger place in the world, a generous mugful of crispy fries and deliciously mysterious pink sauce, what makes it pink? Who cares? We fancy bathing in the stuff.
Calories of a…: Half marathon, thirteen miles of delicious.
Autograf Grill , 499 Green Lanes, London N4 1AL
Monkey Nut’s All Day Brunch Burger:
6oz hamburger, fried egg, cheese, maple roasted bacon, shoestring fries & chipotle ketchup.
Jaw-hingability: A sizeable chomp that requires boa constrictor style focus. Give it a squeeze and get it in, who knew all this burger business would get so romantic?
Eat it on a date?: With a chirpy little runny egg perched on top, this burger has a few possible leaks lying in wait. Not one to bring out for an early love interest, better make sure you’ve met their mum, had an argument about grocery shopping or have ceased shaving your legs first.
Buns like…: Channing Tatum, firm, tanned and not even it’s best feature.
Notable extras: It’s a burger miracle; a pile of the crispiest chips North London has ever seen join this smashing burger, as well some cheeky shoestring fries hiding under the bun, it’s a carb on carb love affair!
Calories of a…: Triathalon. Swim, cycle and run your way into this meaty marvel.
Monkey Nuts , 2 Park Rd, London N8 8TD
Oven and Hearth’s Smoked Brisket Burger:
Smoked chuck patty, kimchi pickle, spirachi mayo.
Jaw-hingability: A comparatively neat little bun to the monsters who exceeded it, but still merits a strain.
Eat it on a date?: This is one filthy burger, packed with a whole host of escaping chargrilled juices, a dating nightmare. Save this delicious mess for your 25th wedding anniversary. Best to avoid looking like you’ve been licking a miner in front of someone who still might have sex with you.
Buns like…: J-Lo, round, perfectly formed and standing the test of time.
Notable extras: The chips may be missing in action, but a whole garden of veggies are stuffed under the hood of this generous bap.
Calories of a…: An hour of kickboxing, without a single regret.
121 Stroud Green Rd, London N4 4BL
Kitchen 149’s Cheese Burger:
Beef patty, 149 sauce, lettuce, gherkin, red onion, tomato & brioche bun.
Jaw-hingability: The everest of the jaw, 12 cm dilated and counting.
Eat it on a date?: Delete Tinder, put on something elasticated and have some messy alone time with this legendary beast, it requires your full attention
Buns like…: Michael Fassbender, pert, subtle and sweeter than Honey Booboo’s blood sugar.
Notable extras: A lonesome sarnie that comes with no extras, however, for the mere price of a tube ticket you can experience the mighty truffle fry, a dish we suspect God herself eats on a hangover.
Calories of a…: A cold mid-winter Tough Mudder. Hell, we don’t care we’d do it twice if it means we get more truffle fries.
149 Hornsey Rd, London N7 6DU
Mike Ashdown and Michael Barry
Spirited away from the hubbub of the city, sitting on the bustling boundaries of Islington and Camden, a 65 metre wide gallery resides hidden behind the Attic Self Storage building in Kings Cross. Market Road Gallery is a newly opened space for everyone to contribute to. It is London’s first bookable open air public gallery. Everyone, from the neighbourhood cat to a fancy pants established artiste, can create artwork for the space.
Today Britain will relish (moan) in 16 hours and 38 minutes of daylight, with the sun rising at 4:43am and setting at 9:31pm. It’s set to be a record breaking 33 degrees in London. I for one am going to need all the help I can get not to disappear like the wicked witch of the West into a sticky puddle on Stroud Green Road. Here’s our Solstice-worshipping, Pagan inspired tips for surviving the hottest and longest day of the year in London.
It’s time. Time to bask (complain) in the sun and ask why god why when will it end?? Yes, Summer is officially here for the week, the hottest week in the last 20 years. This Friday, Drum n Bounce are coming all the way down South to help us celebrate this fact, as healthily as possible. Right in the middle section of VeloPark (link) you can take part in uplifting and limbering flow yoga with Tammy’s Yoga before 45 minutes of energising drum n bounce aerobics. This is basically getting hot and fit and dancey to your favourite tracks before you head off in to the night (or bed) with a massive sweaty smile on your mug.
Next Friday night, ignore your mounting list of life admin and venture outwards into the ether for a misanthropic wine a plenty. It’s the Black Books pub quiz at The Duke of Wellington as part of their couch potato themed quiz series. Entry is a meagre £2 but you can win some cold hard real cash if you’re up on your Dylan Moran / Tamsin Greig / Bill Bailey shaped references.
Who are the Heather Brothers? It’s a question that’s been keeping me up at night. Ever since I was asked to review their latest musical, Holy Crap, I’ve been trapped in something of a Google wormhole. To begin at the beginning: the Heather Brothers are, depending on who you ask, a musical writing duo/trio/quartet. Born in London, they grew up in Zimbabwe, where they spent their teenage years performing in a fraternal rock band. Again, depending on who you ask, they were variously known as: The Chequers, The Three People or Quiet World.
“Arriving back in the UK, after a long time away, there seemed to have been a swing towards xenophobia and the dehumanizing and vilify of both migrants and refugees was happening at the highest levels. I wanted to create a short that would address this trend.” Director Daniel Mulloy
The gin enthusiasts down at Hendricks have decided to take these cucumber celebrations a slice further with their Cultivate the Unusual campaign. Encouraging gin fans to grow their own cucumbers over the last few months in preparation, Hendricks are asking us to bring said veggies to participating pubs and bars this Thursday 15th June. The Canonbury Tavern for example, will light up if you walk in with a cucumber and will proceed to exchange it for a free gin and tonic. Can you imagine?
Hang Up Gallery have some pretty hush hush news. And it goes a little something like this: Darryl ‘Run’ DMC McDaniels will be popping up in the Stoke Newington gallery this month to launch his new collection of works, The Art of DMC. This is the icon’s first London exhibition, showing new and unseen collection of ‘Darryl Makes Comics (DMC)’ Fine Art, a body of signed limited edition prints showcasing his underlying passion for comics.
This year marks the 50th anniversary of the original Summer of Love ’67 where freedom of expression, art and love reigned supreme. #ShopStroudGreen are celebrating the fact with a Summer of Love Local weekend festival this June. Celebrate artistic expression and support local independent traders and makers with a weekend of live art, workshops and music (with a few special discounts, tasters and freebies for good measure).
Oh snap! Another general election looms. Whether you’re hopeful for a landslide win or a surprising wild card outcome, wipe the bitter disappointment from your tastebuds with some gins, ales, burgers and strong covfefe. Because let’s face, it will be neither of those results will it really? Find the perfect place for you to receive the bad news in good company.
Get a different perspective on the city you live in this June. Film London are holding a screening of archive footage of London’s outer boroughs through the decades, underscored by live music accompaniment. The best of London’s Screen Archives hugely successful project, London: A Bigger Picture will be shown, funded by Heritage Lottery three years ago.
We caught up with Snowy the Harringay Station cat to talk Twitter, working life and his unsavoury friendship with Gus the fox. Summer is coming and, in North London, that means it’s time to hit the train stations. So we took Snow the Haringey Station Cat and photographer Mike Barry tumbling across one of them: the undergrowth of Haringey Station. Then we sat down with Snowy for a raw conversation about how to move forward after things fall apart.
“You grow it, we mow it” might be their blasé catchphrase, but Rocket’s attitude to your haircut is far from casual. These guys are serious about hair and the person that grew it. Rocket Stoke Newington are holding a day of free beer and entertainment with your cut in aid of Men’s Mental Health Sunday this 12th June. Also known as “Chopping for Chazza”, there’ll be talks on mental health, stand up comedy and more from 12 - 5pm.
Unless you’re already working for charity or regularly ‘do your bit’, that £6 monthly donation to The Dogs Trust might not be doing enough to quash your conscience / save the world. Whether you’re doing it for experience, to reset your karmic balance or generally give back and help out, there’ll be a role out there for you. On the Volunteer Centre Camden’s website for example, there’s a handy search page that lets you filter through hundreds of opportunities by location, interest and activity.
Currently showing at Camden People’s Theatre, performance artist Tom Marshman’s play Kings Cross (Remix) is a glorious celebration of a bygone era. The show is a tightly crafted journey through the stories of some of the people who made up the 1980s Kings Cross LGBTQ scene. Bursting with warmth, charm and affection, the play is a must see for anyone interested in learning more about London’s alternative history.
The Londoner behind 'Strong and Stable My Arse'. It’s a simple message. A slogan that’s straight to the point. 'Strong and Stable My Arse’ is a statement everyone can understand with a wry grin as they spot it slathered onto billboards, phone boxes and brick walls around the UK. So who could possibly be behind such a simple, cheeky, dig in the ribs campaign? Someone who knows his audience, who knows the mindset of the British like the back of his left hand.