The Night Tube: What It Means For You

Written by: Sophie Taylor

So Sadiq Khan went ahead and succeeded where Boris failed (much to the surprise of absolutely no one), saying something like “hey, having a 24 hour underground service is gonna boost jobs and maintain London’s status as a vibrant and exciting place to live, work and visit. Let’s do it.” So they only bloody went and did it.

This Friday 19th August the Night Tube will start running, supposedly cutting night-time journeys by “an average of 20 minutes, with some cut by more than an hour” say the TFL robots. “It will also play a vital role in opening up London’s night-time economy, supporting almost 2,000 permanent jobs and boosting the economy by £360m”. 

But what does it mean for you and your Friday nights out? Or the cheeky Tuesday night drinks that end up being Wednesday afternoon hell and regret? Here’s what you can get up to now the ominous sounding Night Tube* is firing up on the Victoria Line.

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Bridge the North-South divide

You know your friends who live in Brixton? The ones who you don’t hear from because they’re having a major time shoving Market Row street food down their pie holes whilst raving it up in Dogstar and generally just ignoring you ‘cos you’re all the way over on the “other end of nowhere”? 

Well, now you can be the best of late night chums. The forever night buddies. The ‘oops we watched three seasons of Orange Is The New Black and lost track of time but never mind I can just hop on the Victoria Line’ friends. Similarly, they can finally encounter North London like Dorothy stepping out of Kansas and into a technicolor dreamland full of award winning breakfasts, roaming parks and men made of pampas grass. 

Did you know that having pampas grass outside your house means you’re a swinger? Worth bearing in mind. As you were. 

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Forget all commuter tube etiquette

Once the hours reserved for suits, briefcases and averted gazes are over, you can really let your hair down and become the world’s most fabulous passenger. All daytime and rush hour rules need not apply now, so go ahead and unleash your pole dancing, kebab munching, music blaring, give-a-shit, hellish real self. Drip garlic sauce on the floor, slide around in it, take your headphones out and play your crap pop out loud on your phone’s tinny speakers, who cares anymore! While you’re at it, take someone’s unexpectant hand, kiss it and start singing Zayn Malik lyrics at them while grinning manically. 

NB: Please do not do any of the above. If you thought I was being serious you are a horrible human.

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Release your inner night owl

Can’t sleep? Now you can get stuff done at last without fear of ridicule and irritation from your early to bed flatmates. Hop on the Victoria Line to Oxford Circus and drift in to one of Ronnie Scott’s Late Late shows starting at 1am. Then why not have yourself a pastry and a coffee to keep going at Bar Italia round the corner, open till 5am, before wandering up to Leicester Square to catch a movie marathon at The Prince Charles: showing from August 30th until 8:25am the following day. Still wide awake? Hop back on the Victoria Line to Finsbury Park and head to Pure Gym, open 24 hours to work off any left over energy and that all butter croissant you scoffed earlier. Still not satisfied your insomnia? Shimmy over to Orleans on Seven Sisters Road for one of their soul or rnb all nighters. Sleep is for the weak. Or later tomorrow.

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Sack it off and stick to the night bus

I can see the benefits, I’m not a complete Luddite, and can certainly see the value for night shift workers. But I have my reservations. The night bus is a depression session / scary Mary of a ride home for most, yes, but the Night Tube will be the same bizarre 3am crew of napping, vomiting and wailing overgrown babies, except now you’ll be trapped underground with them in a glorified Pringles can. That’s just me though, I’m not the biggest tube fan. So why did you write the article then? Because it’s topical and my editor told me to.

*seriously though, doesn’t Night Tube sound like that 18 rated film you weren’t allowed to rent from Blockbusters but did anyway at your cooler friend’s sleepover then regretted it and have had recurring nightmares about it ever since?

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Laughable Acts at Backyard Comedy Club

Tonight, on this dull yet sweaty Monday, what you may well need is to show your confectionary based fillings to the ceiling and let it all out with a huge bellowing guffaw about nothing in particular. Let the likes of quick witted Josie Long, surreal twosome Max and Ivan and the downright uproarious Tom Parry help you escape the chocolate lacking reality of 2017.

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