Top Five "Do What You Want We're Not Your Mum" Things To Do
Written by: Sophie Taylor
October. Stop smoking, stop drinking, stop breathing, be more aware, keep breathing, stop giving up, stop trying not to fall on the tubeline…
Abstinence and being told what to do can bugger right off. We’re channeling our year 5 swimming teacher here who, when asked whether we should put our swimming cap on or not, shouted I’M NOT YOUR MOTHER. I DON’T LOVE YOU. I HARDLY EVEN KNOW YOU.
Never a truer word was spoken. Go cap-less. This is your October.
1. Pig out
Kerb’s fourth birthday party, Kings Cross
Smartie exploding chocolate buttercream donuts anyone?
Quickly make space in your stomachs, for street food collective Kerb have made it to the grand old age of four. In celebration they are hosting a big party in West Handyside Canopy Kings Cross. There’ll be traditional four year old birthday games, a hip hop marching band and plenty of insane food. With slightly less conventional fourth birthday party alcohol: look out for birthday cake spritz cocktails and speciality craft beers on tap.
But let’s get back to the important bit: the tasty ass food. You’ll be spoilt for choice here. For the carnivores there’s ox heart pepperoni quesadillas, Bleecker burger sliders, ahi tuna poke boats and vietnamese chicken skewers just to begin. What’s a tuna poke boat when it’s at home? I don’t care as long as it’s in my mouth.
For the lentil munchers out there you’ve got deep fried spaghetti balls and mac n cheese fries with dipping sauce from Anna Mae’s. The sweet tooth ones can rejoice with baked Alaska and marshmallow sauce or butterscotch honeycomb pecan choux cones for afters. I say ‘or’. You can totally have both, I’m not your mum.
Wash it all down with a spiced tequila Tegroni cocktail or a Beavertown Neck Oil craft beer. Again, those are just examples. Feel free to mix your drinks and have more than one, I’m 100% still not your mum. Afterwards you can whirl your bellies around to Pig & Rig’s eclectic sound system, live music and the sounds of your own digestive system working extra hard.
Gosh how do we love you Kerb. Let us count the ways on our greasy little fingers.
Tickets are a mere £4 (how topical) and include a lucky dip shooter.
Friday 14th October, 5-11pm Kings Cross West Handyside Canopy.
2. Treat yourself
Stylist Live, Islington
13th – 16th October
Style, beauty and business advice. With cocktails.
Are you the kind of person who wants to hear the likes of Caitlan Moran or Sophie Ellis-Bextor waffle on about various topics, learn how to code and get savvy ass business advice? Whilst sipping chambord, watching catwalk shows and getting your hair did?
Well look no further freakish multi taskers. It’s the Stylist Live event from 13th – 16th October in Islington Business Centre. There’ll be over 150 talks and workshops with more than 100 boutique pop-ups and free pampering on tap.
Get a ticket and reserve your place at the talks and workshops you most fancy the look of.
If you fancy upgrading to VIP level you’ll be able to sashay into the VIP area, viewing gallery and hair styling / make-up stations while chowing down on complimentary food and drink and swinging your Stylist Live goodie bag in people’s newly make-overed faces. Treat yourself.
3. Spit or swallow
Greek Larder Wine Festival, 8th – 9th October
Screw Oktoberfest. Noone should need an excuse to drink copious amounts of beer and ale. We certainly don’t. Neither do we need to wear costumes for the occasion. Shun the yeasty beer drinkers for one weekend and get your wine on instead at the Greek Larder Wine Festival.
Over 130 Greek wines are on offer at the festival in King’s Cross, with delicious Greek food, live Greek music and guest speakers. All brought to you by Theodore Kyriakou and hosted this year by multi-award winning wine expert, Olly Smith.
Tickets are £10. Book in advance, as they say, to avoid wine-based disappointment.
4. Play with your food
Who and what are Christabels?
In a secret location overlooking Regent’s Canal, owner Christabel Beeson hosts immersive eating and drinking experiences born out of her love of unique concepts and events. Regular pop up events include botanical speakeasies, Mad Hatter brunches and edible playgrounds all served up on Christabel’s beautifully hand painted ceramics.
This month you could find yourself at a macaron art workshop or even a bejewelled cocktail masterclass where you’ll realise how wrong you were to simply pour from the bottle into your mouth.
At an edible playground event you’re positively encouraged to play with your food and create the likes of Snakes & Ladders bruschetta, quinoa and castles and paint-your-own soy ginger honey chicken. What’s more, Christabels donate a percentage of ticket sales to edible playgrounds which inspires children to grow and eat good, nutritional food.
All events on offer can also be tailored for private parties. They even have a seriously pimped glampervan for hire, a 1980s Ambulance in a previous life, ideal for festivals, weddings and glittering weekend getaways.
Offbeat, appetising and charitable.
Find tickets here for various dates across October in a secret N1 location, £30 – £40
5. Laugh inappropriately loud
Thom Fooles House Party, Angel
Let’s face it, by Thursday we’re all starting to glaze over and walk that little bit more slowly over busy roads. So dust yourself off and slap a grin on your face at Thom Fooles House Party in Angel.
An evening of stand up, storytelling, party games and clowns. Which I hope just translates as physical comedy rather than something to do with those recent ‘clown attacks’. As if life isn’t hard and surreal enough without this particularly niche threat.
You can also expect cabaret acts and DJs with guest hosts each time. They’ve had names such as Daniel Simonsen, Jonny Awsum, Peter Bazely, Frank Sanazi, Lee Kern, East End Cabaret, The Establishment, Sophie Pelham and more! So if any of those names ring a bell, and a positive bell at that, book yourself a ticket misery guts.
Staying in a hotel one mile from where you actually live feels strange enough, but doing it on your own is even stranger. These photos are a visual record of me wandering the lonely corridors of a new boutique hotel between the hours of 10-12pm. I would describe the decor as handmade but not cheap, minimal but not clinical. It has the feeling that money has been spent on the things that matter.
The rumours are true: a cheese festival exists and it’s coming to North London. This Sunday. Be there or be … cheese-less I suppose. But you’ve gouda get there early: If you’re as keen as brie and one of the first fifty fromage fondlers to show, you’re in the running for a free bottle of Black Cow’s pure milk vodka. Traders will be setting up stalls along Islington’s Chapel Market: from the Raclette Brothers and Mac to the Future to La Fromagerie and The Cheese Truck.
Dream Talk. It’s like Dream Phone, but not at all. Artist Emma Alonze and musician Andy Becker have joined forces to collaborate on a (possibly prophetic) new sound art project. Londoners are invited to take a moment out of their daily commute, routine or journey and immerse themselves in a narrated collection of dreams. Taking three years worth of forty winks, Alonze has gathered and narrated a chosen few to be set to an ambient soundtrack by Becker.
Holy smoke, her nipples are on fire! Somebody pass the woman an extinguisher. Wait, why is she climbing into that giant margarita glass - does she not know it's highly flammable? She's going to need to be doused with a sizable portion of aloe vera gel at this rate, the poor lamb.
If there's anything the new moon today has told us, it's that it's time to be our true selves. That's what my horoscope told me today anyway. But what does that mean exactly? It means that if you want to eat honey loops for lunch, you 100% can. It means if you feel like learning how to make a bouquet instead of working on your tax forms, you 100% can. It also means if you want to learn how the deep throat (singing technique) you don't have to explain yourself. You're keeping it .
Our exclusive meeting with Eroc: the Beyonce of the skateboarding dog world. Eroc the french bulldog is making waves. With fans like Tony Hawk, BBC Radio and over 30k followers on Instagram (and counting), Eroc has also become something of an online sensation. His viral status comes and goes, randomly popping up on online social media channels every now and again to generate hundreds of thousands of views and clicks via the likes of Buzzfeed, Time Out and rogue iPhone filmers.
We all have our own ways of dealing with life when things get shitty. Having a big cry and getting it all out can be incredibly therapeutic, and even more so when we find ourselves repeating the same line over and over through the tears. “He’s a dick!” or “I’m not a bad person!” These little lines of reinforcement help us push through the crappy feeling. Sometimes we might even revert to a hearty little stamp on the floor / kick of some unsuspecting object. It feels surprisingly satisfying when the rage sets in and we feel helpless.
This Friday sees the release of Malian master musicians, Trio Da Kali’s new album Ladilikan. Fusing rich, expressive vocals with traditional instruments like the balafon and bass ngoni, this is a beautiful mix of ancient Mande culture and contemporary Malian sounds. Luckily for us North Londoners, we have the opportunity to see the trio play live in the rather fitting ethereal surrounds of Stoke Newington Church next month.
Walking along Monsell Road in Finsbury Park, we spy the charming exterior of a shop looking like something out of a children’s book circa 1932. Beneath a green and white striped awning, a whimsical new world of mini animals awaits. Once inside we stumble about the store in hushed awe, reaching over a book of minuscule carpet samples/ family of miniature otters to tap a tiny bell.
Whether you’re looking for something to entertain your kids, your friends’ kids or that particularly large man child in your life, you might just have lucked out. Snug are hosting an open air screening of The Incredibles next Saturday evening. There will be tasty sourdough pizzas from Sodo Pizza (Upper Clapton) and ultimate authentic curries from Rice n Spice, Northwold Road.
Coming soon to a Tufnell Park near you is a whole new vegetable patch of delights / wheat field to run vicariously through. It’s time to get excited for Ceremony: a brand new bar/restaurant serving modern British veggie cuisine. Although the website remains tantalisingly mysterious, you can glean more info from their well stocked insta.
Sound baths, pit parties, fake cheese and nipples, these are a few of our favourite things, said no one ever. Bored of drinking down the pub every evening? Unlikely, but bare with me. Sometimes you just want to let down your hair, shake it off and do something down right odd of an evening... followed by a pint at the pub.
It’s been a few months since the last instalment of Online vs Offline. I deleted Bumble, Happn and Tinder, flirted with the idea of match.com, went to a friend’s wedding, heard the vicar call my name instead of the Bride’s and reflected briefly on the crushing inevitability of my own spinsterhood before realising everyone was laughing in the pews and I should probably join them.
Gluten-free cake consumers, vegan cheese enthusiasts, craft beer connoisseurs, lovers of pies and drinkers of tea; your time is now. Buy food of a quality & variety you can’t easily find in the shops, from organic meat to vegan cheese, fish caught that morning to pickles which have been fermenting for months, at Stroud Green market.
Who’s up for free entry, free cake and free folk (except for a jaunty little hat that is passed around for donations)? Get down to The Finsbury this Wednesday eve for a little mid week hootenanny and celebrate some of the best in new live music from the ‘acoustic, singer-songwriter & indie-folk scene’. Host with the most, Zoe Konez (“Ridiculously talented, Konez handles her guitar like she was born with it” - For Folk's Sake) will be deftly introducing each act from gin soaked folk popster herself, Penniless Cove to German indie band, Kalon.
What if you could mix the joys of your local Sunday car boot and all it’s dog perving potential with your favourite vintage clothes shops and high end antique markets? Within the sparkling depths of Dalson’s former ABC cinema, you’ll find The Big London Flea: London’s largest indoor vintage market.