Top Four Ways to Avoid Love and Happiness this Valentines

Written by: Sophie Taylor

“Despair and deception, love’s ugly little twins, came a-knocking on my door, I let them in, I leet looove in” croons Nick Cave back circa 1994. It’s true, love has twins and they’re ugly as sin. Love also has a sister called Truth who had a son called Neville and he was a right two faced knob. They had a cousin called Happiness and he was such an unrelenting chasm of tedium, but then we didn’t get close enough to know him properly.

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Here’s how to protect yourself from the evil that is Love and Happiness this Valentines.

1. Eat yourself into a food coma

The Cuckoo

Gastro pub, The Cuckoo in N1 always has a top notch kitchen residency to take full consumable advantage of. This Valentines they’ve outdone themselves with Mirey’s Restaurant and a menu to dribble to.

For starters you can order steamed mussels with tomato, chilli and lovage, game terrine with beetroot relish OR feta, blood orange, candied walnut and baby spinach salad.

I’d go ahead and order all three babe.

You, my dear, don’t need to worry about bloating when you’ve shunned Love and turned all your mirrors around at home.

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The mains look equally appetising so instead of choosing between honey and soy glazed salmon, roast venison loin or butternut squash speltotto, just go ahead and ask for them all.Ask and ye shall receive, I keep telling you honey pie.

The menu hilariously suggests the baked Camembert and garlic bread is to share. Tee hee! Those heart sinking two words are in brackets though, so immediately ignore and order for one then show The Cuckoo who’s boss and devour whilst maintaining eye contact throughout.

There’s also a discount available for the first bottle of house wine bought on the night. Get in quick winos! You’re going to need to be blotto-d for the barrage of disgusting self love making you’re going to be making later anyway.

Speaking of vino…

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2. Drink yourself into a corner

Yield, Newington Green

“What would be a better way to spend the evening with your sweetheart, but with wine, cheese, and candlelight?” That’s what the beautiful people at wine and charcuterie store, Yield say on their website. They’re so right! Take yourself by the hand and whisk your hot piece of ass down to Newington Green for a night of top quality wine sloshing.

They’re open ’til late on the 14th Feb, so even more time for swirling a goblet of red around and winking at your reflection in the glass. Apparently they have some special surprises on the night. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? A slow dance section, yes! Lucky I’ve perfected the self-hug wrap-around grind move. It’s seriously hot.

Book ahead to avoid self disappointment through Open Table or call them on 020 7354 5912.

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3. Love yourself, because no-one else will

Frame Studios, Kings Cross

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with your barista. Oh, and yourself.

Whether you also have a special relationship with your yoga routine or you once tried child’s pose and just stayed in it ever since, all are welcome at Frame’s Self Love Yoga Workshop.

This Saturday 11th Feb, from 2:45pm – 4:45pm Annie Rice will help you accept yourself and release any of that nasty tension that’s been building in your neck and shoulders. I know that tutting woman on the overground is annoying as arse, but now is the time to let it go.

A gentle and restorative flow will focus on releasing tension and encourage feelings of self-acceptance followed by a deep, healing meditation.

Book yourself in here.

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4. Arouse yourself, because you can only rely on you 

Arena Sessions, Manor House

If music be the food of love, play on and get me some tortillas cos I’m hungry too. Luckily Arena Sessions understand the need for both music and food when it comes to seduction. On the 15th Feb, Arena Sessions have created a special menu of aphrodisiacs set to live music. There’ll be  oysters with blood orange and ginger mignonette to begin, followed by homemade tortillas topped with sweet potato and black beans, served with chipotle potatoes and an aphrodisiac filled salad. It shall be washed down with pomegranate Prosecco cocktails and cashew / orange blossom Baklava with rose cream and raspberry sorbet. Mmmmm.

The music comes especially from Spain in the form of Fred de Mercedes Euménides Stoner Band (not a stoner rock band apparently, he’s actually referring to the landscapes of Castilla, Spain). Front man Freddie Sanguino creates verses similar to Medieval Castillian poetry ‘which has origins of Arabic metric system talking about landscapes, philosophy, chaotic behaviour of the universe and humans conception of it’. Whew. Reign it in Freddie! I’ve just eaten an oyster and I refuse to be seduced by your medieval poetry. Tonight is all about me.

Wednesday 15th Feb, 7 – 11:30pm at Arena Design Centre, Unit K4 Arena Design Centre 71 Ashfield Rd N41FF

Entry is £8 and dinner £25, tickets available here.

Got you in the mood for some quality alone time? Read our top four ways to date yourself in North London.

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