Top Six “Heck No” Reasons Not to Live in Stroud Green

Written by: Alex Reach and Sophie Taylor

This post was very kindly sponsored by Davies & Davies Estate Agents

We asked Alex from Davies and Davies Estate Agents why he thinks Stroud Green is such a great place to rent or buy. He sat back in his leather chair, took a surprisingly large swig of hot coffee, regretted it, then gave us a stern look. What followed was an unrelenting onslaught of negativity that we have conveniently compiled into a list for you.

Each artery clogging pastry monger is as mouth watering as the next.
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1. I’m getting fat 

I despise the eateries round here. There’s at least forty cafes and each artery clogging pastry monger is as mouth watering as the next. The coffee from Vagabond is an absolute outrage. *Alex slams down his takeaway cup*

Who thought it was a good idea to serve artisan flat whites within walking distance of our office? I’m addicted to almond milk now and I will never get clean. But don’t get me started on the award winning restaurants that keep popping up like Meryl Streep oscar nominations.

Thanks to the likes of Petek’s tantalising Turkish fodder and incredible Brit/Euro cuisine from Season Kitchen, my palette has been well and truly spoilt and could never stomach a Tesco meal deal again. Particularly as Cats seem so intent on ruining my life with their lunchtime deal at the same price.

Thanks, you delicious dreamy Thai food satanists.

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2. I’m overwhelmed 

There’s too much to do. Park Theatre can’t seem to stop themselves putting on new plays. Just when I go to book tickets, a new and more exciting sounding show pops up and I’m torn with choice. Then there’s all the sports clubs in the area: American football, baseball, rugby, running, cycling, climbing, even bowling! The list just keeps going. I’m racked with guilt if I don’t do something every morning before work. *Alex mops his brow with a Vagabond napkin and breathes in, getting a second wind* And then! Then there’s all the local charities that we support at work, I find myself donating my spare time to these too. My god it’s hard being so goodwilled.

No-one should live so close to this amount of independent shops
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3. I’m spending all my money

No-one should live so close to this amount of independent shops. Crisis for example is simply too well stocked. Have you seen their window display? Constantly updated with new jackets, records and musical instruments, tempting us in to buy buy buy, all for a good cause. Revolting retail sirens.

MoseyHome can suck it as well. That independent furniture and homeware shop might specialise in mid century modern, but it majors in seducing unsuspecting pedestrians from the street into it’s alluring interior. I literally want to buy everything inside. 

But that’s not even mentioning Clapton Craft beer store on Stroud Green Road round the corner. Every time I walk past I find myself inside picking up new and unusual beers you just can’t find in Sainburys. Yet even after a big haul, I seem to have loads of cash left over for drinks. Which brings me to my next grievance:

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4. I’m always pissed 

The amount of award winning drinking holes round Stroud Green is laughable. The World’s End with it’s bevy of craft ales, watching footie in The Old Dairy mid week, grabbing a hangover veggie burger and pint from The Stapleton Tavern… But old faithful, The Faltering Fullback calls my name every evening when I leave work and I simply cannot refuse. My life is a booze fuelled nightmare without the hangovers because the alcohol is so high quality. I may as well be Oliver Reed circa 1965.

5. I’m overworked 

It’s unrelentingly tiring being the number one Estate Agents. *Alex flicks his hair* People have caught wind of our excellent services and for some reason all want a piece of the action. I can barely catch a break to grab my mid morning croissant from Boulangerie Bon Matin for goodness sake. I blame the exquisite property descriptions. We’re going to need to start hiring more agents for our growing popularity which is, quite simply, a pain in my arse.

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6. I’m too accessible

I have no excuse to stay in. The transport facilities around here make it impossible for me to say no to a night out in Central or East London or Stoke Newington, for example. Which is downright offensive to my plans of a decaying social life. The superb transport links mean I end up working late for all my clients, knowing I can get home in 15 mins. Ridiculous. Please learn from my mistakes and stay away from the area. 

Fair enough, Alex. We’ll be sure to steer clear of the foodie, cultural hell hole that is Stroud Green.

This article was kindly sponsored by Davies & Davies Estate Agents. All money raised from advertising in North Four goes straight back into making the magazine. We’re currently raising money to produce our very first print edition, if you’re interested in advertising with us please get in touch:

Photos by Mike Barry

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