Top Six “Heck No” Reasons Not to Live in Stroud Green
Written by: Alex Reach and Sophie Taylor
This post was very kindly sponsored by Davies & Davies Estate Agents.
We asked Alex from Davies and Davies Estate Agents why he thinks Stroud Green is such a great place to rent or buy. He sat back in his leather chair, took a surprisingly large swig of hot coffee, regretted it, then gave us a stern look. What followed was an unrelenting onslaught of negativity that we have conveniently compiled into a list for you.
1. I’m getting fat
I despise the eateries round here. There’s at least forty cafes and each artery clogging pastry monger is as mouth watering as the next. The coffee from Vagabond is an absolute outrage. *Alex slams down his takeaway cup*
Who thought it was a good idea to serve artisan flat whites within walking distance of our office? I’m addicted to almond milk now and I will never get clean. But don’t get me started on the award winning restaurants that keep popping up like Meryl Streep oscar nominations.
Thanks to the likes of Petek’s tantalising Turkish fodder and incredible Brit/Euro cuisine from Season Kitchen, my palette has been well and truly spoilt and could never stomach a Tesco meal deal again. Particularly as Cats seem so intent on ruining my life with their lunchtime deal at the same price.
Thanks, you delicious dreamy Thai food satanists.
2. I’m overwhelmed
There’s too much to do. Park Theatre can’t seem to stop themselves putting on new plays. Just when I go to book tickets, a new and more exciting sounding show pops up and I’m torn with choice. Then there’s all the sports clubs in the area: American football, baseball, rugby, running, cycling, climbing, even bowling! The list just keeps going. I’m racked with guilt if I don’t do something every morning before work. *Alex mops his brow with a Vagabond napkin and breathes in, getting a second wind* And then! Then there’s all the local charities that we support at work, I find myself donating my spare time to these too. My god it’s hard being so goodwilled.
3. I’m spending all my money
No-one should live so close to this amount of independent shops. Crisis for example is simply too well stocked. Have you seen their window display? Constantly updated with new jackets, records and musical instruments, tempting us in to buy buy buy, all for a good cause. Revolting retail sirens.
MoseyHome can suck it as well. That independent furniture and homeware shop might specialise in mid century modern, but it majors in seducing unsuspecting pedestrians from the street into it’s alluring interior. I literally want to buy everything inside.
But that’s not even mentioning Clapton Craft beer store on Stroud Green Road round the corner. Every time I walk past I find myself inside picking up new and unusual beers you just can’t find in Sainburys. Yet even after a big haul, I seem to have loads of cash left over for drinks. Which brings me to my next grievance:
4. I’m always pissed
The amount of award winning drinking holes round Stroud Green is laughable. The World’s End with it’s bevy of craft ales, watching footie in The Old Dairy mid week, grabbing a hangover veggie burger and pint from The Stapleton Tavern… But old faithful, The Faltering Fullback calls my name every evening when I leave work and I simply cannot refuse. My life is a booze fuelled nightmare without the hangovers because the alcohol is so high quality. I may as well be Oliver Reed circa 1965.
5. I’m overworked
It’s unrelentingly tiring being the number one Estate Agents. *Alex flicks his hair* People have caught wind of our excellent services and for some reason all want a piece of the action. I can barely catch a break to grab my mid morning croissant from Boulangerie Bon Matin for goodness sake. I blame the exquisite property descriptions. We’re going to need to start hiring more agents for our growing popularity which is, quite simply, a pain in my arse.
6. I’m too accessible
I have no excuse to stay in. The transport facilities around here make it impossible for me to say no to a night out in Central or East London or Stoke Newington, for example. Which is downright offensive to my plans of a decaying social life. The superb transport links mean I end up working late for all my clients, knowing I can get home in 15 mins. Ridiculous. Please learn from my mistakes and stay away from the area.
Fair enough, Alex. We’ll be sure to steer clear of the foodie, cultural hell hole that is Stroud Green.
This article was kindly sponsored by Davies & Davies Estate Agents. All money raised from advertising in North Four goes straight back into making the magazine. We’re currently raising money to produce our very first print edition, if you’re interested in advertising with us please get in touch: email@example.com
Photos by Mike Barry
Currently showing at Camden People’s Theatre, performance artist Tom Marshman’s play Kings Cross (Remix) is a glorious celebration of a bygone era. The show is a tightly crafted journey through the stories of some of the people who made up the 1980s Kings Cross LGBTQ scene. Bursting with warmth, charm and affection, the play is a must see for anyone interested in learning more about London’s alternative history.
The Londoner behind 'Strong and Stable My Arse'. It’s a simple message. A slogan that’s straight to the point. 'Strong and Stable My Arse’ is a statement everyone can understand with a wry grin as they spot it slathered onto billboards, phone boxes and brick walls around the UK. So who could possibly be behind such a simple, cheeky, dig in the ribs campaign? Someone who knows his audience, who knows the mindset of the British like the back of his left hand.
For some, a second bank holiday brings with it an extra day of anxiety as you wonder how to fill the 24 hour void that desk bound coffee fuelled typing usually fills. If you’re not content to lie horizontal letting gravity slide pizza down your throat, here’s our plans for your second Bank Holiday of the month.
“Only last night I found myself lost / by the station called King's Cross. / Dead and wounded on either side / you know it's only a matter of time.” [Pet Shop Boys - Kings Cross] It’s the night after the play and I’m standing at the bar of ‘The Big Chill House’ on Pentonville Road in Kings Cross. It’s ‘Throwback Thursday’ (#TBT) and happy hour is definitely over.
Ceramics with charisma. Local pottery genius, Laura Bird has of course graced the digital pages of It’s Nice That, sold out in Anthropologie* and taken her seat at many a London ceramics stall since just recently starting her career in ceramics. It’s no surprise she is well loved: her unique and gentle humour exudes from every jar, planter and candlestick holder, adorned with cheeky expressions and impish grins.
Having worked in hospitality with a keen artist’s eye, the Arts Building knew Emma was perfect to take over the space. They were after a morning to night eatery for the neighbourhood, one for local residents and workers alike. Knowing the street’s reputation as a bit of a foodie strip, the menu had to be up to scratch for it’s discerning super-taster of a community. Yes, we’re a hungry bunch in Stroud Green.
At the time of writing this the menu has just been released for Food by Feast’s new supper club. I imagine, however, that by the time you read this every dining space will be swiftly filled. If you aren’t acquainted with the duo yet (tsk), they’re the genius collaboration of Cordon Bleu chef and food writer Olivia Potts and Guardian food writer and cook, Kate Young. Having successfully completed the likes of a Gilmore Girls supper club to rapturous applause and smacking lips recently, the latest menu experience is Twin Peaks inspired and looks equally witty and delectable.
Sound healing in Stoke Newington. This Thursday 18th May, The Mystery School of Sound are running a de-stress gong bath experience in Stoke Newington Ramadan Mosque. Alongside guided meditation, healing process and gong performace, you’ll get a mini intro to healing traditions of the druids and hermetic teaching.
Patron Cave a Manger’s pop up cinema are shacking up at The Rose and Crown in Kentish Town to screen The Artist. Soak up the atmoshpere of the Festival du Cannes with swanky popcorn and elegant cocktails. Get red carpet ready for this special screening of The Artist - the ridiculously popular award winning silent French film that everyone fell in love with.
Unfortunately rising rents are affecting community spaces in Stoke Newington and their availability. St Mary’s Centre currently provides a space for projects including the Foodbank, Hackney Migrants centre and the Night Shelter but they're at risk of losing their space. To help raise funds to redevelop the space and increase awareness, they are organising a weekend food market in Stokey. The pop-up food market is a launch event for their huge fundraising drive to rebuild the community rooms attached to St Mary's Church in Stoke Newington.
Healthy chocolate mousse and sexing up your smoothie with Kate Oates. We have found ourselves a yoga guru in Kate Oates, a healthtastic yogi based in Crouch End. When we met her last year she hinted at a few of her own culinary creations and boy were we intrigued. Asking for an exclusive recipe for you health conscious readers, we received a taste sensation of an idea for chocolate breakfast.
“All My Single Cylinders, All My Single Cylinders”. Two girls, sick to the back teeth of Tindering and Bumbling about the bars of London, decided to create their own speed dating night. Involved in the biker community of East London they have created a special series of nights combining live music, motorbikes and speed dates. Bolt Motorbike Shop of Stoke Newington is their latest venue, providing a more intriguing backdrop for your date night and quashing the usual awkwardness of sparse, brightly lit speed dating scenarios. You can admire the motors, enjoy your free drinks and listen to some live music with some top notch handpicked company.
In case you’ve never had a piirakka, (also known as Karelian pasties, pies or pirogs) they’re a delicious Finnish treat that you need to try immediately. Whether savoury or sweet, they’re basically a light pastie made with rye flour and a pretty unique variety of filling options. Meet Aapo Nieminen, a native Finnish local who grew up with piirakka. After getting tired of asking friends and family to bring him these naughty little pasties whenever they visited he came up with a plan. “They are an important part of everyday finish life. One day I thought why not just make them yourself?”
The lycra is optional. Coffee however, isn't. On Friday 197 cyclists descended on Sardinia to compete in the 100th edition of the Giro d'Italia. For those of you that don't have wardrobes filled with lycra you might never of heard of it but Think Tour d'France but in Italy. Still drawing a blank?
Naked Dough have appeared like a pair of beautiful fairy godmothers to lead me to an actual edible cookie dough dance party. Plus they didn’t even tell me what I should wear, they genuinely don’t care. Naked Dough is a new restaurant serving edible cookie dough from tubs, cones and even carry home pots. The ingredients are raw egg free and the flour is heat-treated so you need not worry-like-Edwina-Currie about salmonella and stomach bloat (unless you’re gluten free of course. In which case I’m sorry you’ve stumbled upon this torture page of an article).
Ten years ago MINT Vintage first opened in Covent Garden before moving on to the more creative surrounds of Stoke Newington, pioneering fashion forward vintage. Every piece is hand selected and sourced from all over the world, ensuring every garment is trend driven but timeless and always unique. This May they’ve decided to transform their world in to an “oops we were trying to make corduroy and came up with denim” dreamland*.